If you're one of the lucky ones - well, let's not say 'lucky' - you may be wandering along a desert road at midnight trying to keep the lizards from crawling out of your pockets while balancing a Rhode Island collectable spoon on the tip of your ear and singing a tuneless song. And you may catch a glimpse in the corner of your eye of a dark red shape, always running and jumping to stay just at the edge of your vision, occasionally tripping over a rock and landing in the sand with a fwoof. Ignore it and keep your eye upon the spot on the horizon where Cantriopus, the brightest star in the constellation of Tedeus, is poised to rise. At the very instant that it does, whirl around, flail about with one arm while shielding your face with the other, and you may catch the SPORLKING by his long scabrous greenly dripping nose! Don't worry about the lizards at this point, they're gone.
The SPORLKING will shriek and whine and try to sneeze you away, but you must keep a tight hold on his slimy pimply nose as you pull out your tweezers made of pure gallium. The SPORLKING will go quiet and freeze, but his rheumy eyes will flutter seductively and curls of green steam will issue from his ears. DO NOT INHALE THE STEAM! It will make you spank your own ass with a waffle iron for a whole day, enabling the SPORLKING to escape.
Using the tweezers, grasp one of the SPORLKING's mustache hairs, which are actually nasal hairs he has combed over his lip. At this point, you may ask the SPORLKING any one question you desire, and he must answer it honestly. He will sporlk once for yes, twice for no, thrice for nu, and fource for "Be sure to wear a leotard".
At this point, you can let the SPORLKING go and he will fade back into the darkness... Or you can yank out one of his nose hairs and run. If you get away, you will gain the power to speak in tongues for a day by flossing your teeth with the nose hair for a full hour. You can do this three times before the nose hair breaks.
But if he catches up to you and seizes your neck with his long powerful toes... Well, none have ever come back to say what happened. But have you ever wondered where all the lizards in the desert come from? I mean, you're not the only one who has zipperless pockets...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
The Wart-Sniffers of Xomph
If you're the kind of person who obeys cryptic instructions given by complete strangers over the Internet, you'll want to obey these:
In the pale gray hour before the sun arises on the Monday following the anniversary of the first time your mother bought a turnip necklace and ate it all before she got it home, stride with purpose out into the dank festering woods. In your right hand will be a cereal box preserved in aspic made from faerie's sweat; in the other hand will be a jade hubcap fastener. From behind you an annoyed voice will ask you just what the hell you think you're doing; ignore it or YOUR SOUL WILL VANISH AND BE REPLACED WITH THE SOUL OF SOMEONE JUST LIKE YOU, BUT WHO ONLY EATS CLAMS STUFFED WITH OLIVES WHICH ARE STUFFED WITH STRAWBERRIES. Just keep walking, pausing every 31 seconds to hop in a circle while waving your hands around as if you had just stuck them into a bowl of boiling giraffe mucus.
When this has gone on way too long, you will see a tree with a hundred trunks and one twig, which you should run up to and hug, exclaiming that you have found your long lost Lost and Found counter. Hidden demons will make sad kvetching noises, ignore them or your hair will grow into the shape of an Easter basket FOREVER. Using the two candles you have stuck into your nostrils, illuminate first the shining cricket medallion, then the Shrine to Thumbtacks. This will open the hidden door in the 57th trunk and reveal a greasy hexagonal staircase that will lead you to a slimy golden hallway that will take you to a shiny brown room that smells like the space between an elephant's toes. In the center of the room will be a slippery rubbery protrusion. Sit down on it, close your eyes, and chant "WUB WUB WUB" backwards until the sounds of shuffling flip-flops and a dull wet cough tells you that the WART SNIFFERS have come.
DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES, but show them your warts, saying "If I laugh, it is because I have remembered how my grandmother used to suck on her glass eyes when she was pensive!" Then wait. If you are lucky, you will feel the hot breath of the WART SNIFFERS OF XOMPH on your warts, then an ice cold wind will blow over your feet and you will find yourself in a bus station in Kuala Lumpur, wearing a sunset sarong and tiny toe mittens, but completely cured of all warts and able to sing the Hut Sut song from both of your ears at once.
But if you are unlucky... well, let's just say that the WART SNIFFERS OF XOMPH will have added another one to their collection... And its nose will shine in the dark with the light of two candles.
In the pale gray hour before the sun arises on the Monday following the anniversary of the first time your mother bought a turnip necklace and ate it all before she got it home, stride with purpose out into the dank festering woods. In your right hand will be a cereal box preserved in aspic made from faerie's sweat; in the other hand will be a jade hubcap fastener. From behind you an annoyed voice will ask you just what the hell you think you're doing; ignore it or YOUR SOUL WILL VANISH AND BE REPLACED WITH THE SOUL OF SOMEONE JUST LIKE YOU, BUT WHO ONLY EATS CLAMS STUFFED WITH OLIVES WHICH ARE STUFFED WITH STRAWBERRIES. Just keep walking, pausing every 31 seconds to hop in a circle while waving your hands around as if you had just stuck them into a bowl of boiling giraffe mucus.
When this has gone on way too long, you will see a tree with a hundred trunks and one twig, which you should run up to and hug, exclaiming that you have found your long lost Lost and Found counter. Hidden demons will make sad kvetching noises, ignore them or your hair will grow into the shape of an Easter basket FOREVER. Using the two candles you have stuck into your nostrils, illuminate first the shining cricket medallion, then the Shrine to Thumbtacks. This will open the hidden door in the 57th trunk and reveal a greasy hexagonal staircase that will lead you to a slimy golden hallway that will take you to a shiny brown room that smells like the space between an elephant's toes. In the center of the room will be a slippery rubbery protrusion. Sit down on it, close your eyes, and chant "WUB WUB WUB" backwards until the sounds of shuffling flip-flops and a dull wet cough tells you that the WART SNIFFERS have come.
DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES, but show them your warts, saying "If I laugh, it is because I have remembered how my grandmother used to suck on her glass eyes when she was pensive!" Then wait. If you are lucky, you will feel the hot breath of the WART SNIFFERS OF XOMPH on your warts, then an ice cold wind will blow over your feet and you will find yourself in a bus station in Kuala Lumpur, wearing a sunset sarong and tiny toe mittens, but completely cured of all warts and able to sing the Hut Sut song from both of your ears at once.
But if you are unlucky... well, let's just say that the WART SNIFFERS OF XOMPH will have added another one to their collection... And its nose will shine in the dark with the light of two candles.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The Foonshucker, Part One
On the evening of March 31st, be ready for it. Enter any grungy diner and order an iced tea with no ice, no tea, and no glass. Your server will give you a tired look and tread solemnly to the kitchen with your order. If you are brought a small blob of throbbing green putty, then don't even try to run and scream, because most of the food there looks like that. If, however, you are brought a small silver box, put it furtively in your pocket. DO NOT OPEN THE BOX. Stand up and hold your left heel in your right hand, whistle the Humoresque, and hop out the door as inconspicuously as possible.
As you fall down the steps of the diner, an old woman will attempt to stick her tongue in your ear. DO NOT GIGGLE OR YOU ARE LOST. Pull the box from your pocket, rub your finger on your nose, and polish the lid. Ask her if she has ever flashed her breasts at Roger Daltrey while he was singing "Pinball Wizard." She will shriek one and a half times, seize the box, and vanish in a puff of dryer lint. On the ground will be a rabid chipmunk-squid hybrid, wooing a gerbil molded from old chewing gum. SWALLOW THEM BOTH! From then on, you will hold powers of death and destruction, life and resurrection, over any small furry animal that eats bugs and seeds. If you have done all this correctly, you will have completed the first step in your journey to reach... THE FOONSHUCKER. There are seventy-three (or maybe a lot more) steps to go...
As you fall down the steps of the diner, an old woman will attempt to stick her tongue in your ear. DO NOT GIGGLE OR YOU ARE LOST. Pull the box from your pocket, rub your finger on your nose, and polish the lid. Ask her if she has ever flashed her breasts at Roger Daltrey while he was singing "Pinball Wizard." She will shriek one and a half times, seize the box, and vanish in a puff of dryer lint. On the ground will be a rabid chipmunk-squid hybrid, wooing a gerbil molded from old chewing gum. SWALLOW THEM BOTH! From then on, you will hold powers of death and destruction, life and resurrection, over any small furry animal that eats bugs and seeds. If you have done all this correctly, you will have completed the first step in your journey to reach... THE FOONSHUCKER. There are seventy-three (or maybe a lot more) steps to go...
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