Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Sporlking

If you're one of the lucky ones - well, let's not say 'lucky' - you may be wandering along a desert road at midnight trying to keep the lizards from crawling out of your pockets while balancing a Rhode Island collectable spoon on the tip of your ear and singing a tuneless song. And you may catch a glimpse in the corner of your eye of a dark red shape, always running and jumping to stay just at the edge of your vision, occasionally tripping over a rock and landing in the sand with a fwoof. Ignore it and keep your eye upon the spot on the horizon where Cantriopus, the brightest star in the constellation of Tedeus, is poised to rise. At the very instant that it does, whirl around, flail about with one arm while shielding your face with the other, and you may catch the SPORLKING by his long scabrous greenly dripping nose! Don't worry about the lizards at this point, they're gone.

The SPORLKING will shriek and whine and try to sneeze you away, but you must keep a tight hold on his slimy pimply nose as you pull out your tweezers made of pure gallium. The SPORLKING will go quiet and freeze, but his rheumy eyes will flutter seductively and curls of green steam will issue from his ears. DO NOT INHALE THE STEAM! It will make you spank your own ass with a waffle iron for a whole day, enabling the SPORLKING to escape.

Using the tweezers, grasp one of the SPORLKING's mustache hairs, which are actually nasal hairs he has combed over his lip. At this point, you may ask the SPORLKING any one question you desire, and he must answer it honestly. He will sporlk once for yes, twice for no, thrice for nu, and fource for "Be sure to wear a leotard".

At this point, you can let the SPORLKING go and he will fade back into the darkness... Or you can yank out one of his nose hairs and run. If you get away, you will gain the power to speak in tongues for a day by flossing your teeth with the nose hair for a full hour. You can do this three times before the nose hair breaks.

But if he catches up to you and seizes your neck with his long powerful toes... Well, none have ever come back to say what happened. But have you ever wondered where all the lizards in the desert come from? I mean, you're not the only one who has zipperless pockets...

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