Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Wart-Sniffers of Xomph

If you're the kind of person who obeys cryptic instructions given by complete strangers over the Internet, you'll want to obey these:

In the pale gray hour before the sun arises on the Monday following the anniversary of the first time your mother bought a turnip necklace and ate it all before she got it home, stride with purpose out into the dank festering woods. In your right hand will be a cereal box preserved in aspic made from faerie's sweat; in the other hand will be a jade hubcap fastener. From behind you an annoyed voice will ask you just what the hell you think you're doing; ignore it or YOUR SOUL WILL VANISH AND BE REPLACED WITH THE SOUL OF SOMEONE JUST LIKE YOU, BUT WHO ONLY EATS CLAMS STUFFED WITH OLIVES WHICH ARE STUFFED WITH STRAWBERRIES. Just keep walking, pausing every 31 seconds to hop in a circle while waving your hands around as if you had just stuck them into a bowl of boiling giraffe mucus.

When this has gone on way too long, you will see a tree with a hundred trunks and one twig, which you should run up to and hug, exclaiming that you have found your long lost Lost and Found counter. Hidden demons will make sad kvetching noises, ignore them or your hair will grow into the shape of an Easter basket FOREVER. Using the two candles you have stuck into your nostrils, illuminate first the shining cricket medallion, then the Shrine to Thumbtacks. This will open the hidden door in the 57th trunk and reveal a greasy hexagonal staircase that will lead you to a slimy golden hallway that will take you to a shiny brown room that smells like the space between an elephant's toes. In the center of the room will be a slippery rubbery protrusion. Sit down on it, close your eyes, and chant "WUB WUB WUB" backwards until the sounds of shuffling flip-flops and a dull wet cough tells you that the WART SNIFFERS have come.

DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES, but show them your warts, saying "If I laugh, it is because I have remembered how my grandmother used to suck on her glass eyes when she was pensive!" Then wait. If you are lucky, you will feel the hot breath of the WART SNIFFERS OF XOMPH on your warts, then an ice cold wind will blow over your feet and you will find yourself in a bus station in Kuala Lumpur, wearing a sunset sarong and tiny toe mittens, but completely cured of all warts and able to sing the Hut Sut song from both of your ears at once.

But if you are unlucky... well, let's just say that the WART SNIFFERS OF XOMPH will have added another one to their collection... And its nose will shine in the dark with the light of two candles.

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